Developing leaders who are empathetic yet assertive, inclusive yet decisive requires a tough-love approach
We ask so much of our managers. We want them to be empathetic, inclusive, transparent, engaging on zoom, in person. We want them to be courageous, confident, honest, kind, but also please don’t hurt my feelings with decisions I don’t like.
Reading Linkedin, it’d be easy to forget that the primary job of managers is actually to get s*** done. Yeah, in our post-pandemic remote, hybrid, hyper-connected, next-level-AI-workplace — the job of a manager still exists to 1) organize people and resources, and 2) deliver results.
Super dry, but true.
I feel for the managers out there who are genuinely trying to make it all work.
Because managing people is hard. And managers get bombarded every day with advice on how to treat people that sounds great, but have limited world application when push comes to shove.
Moments that totally suck when managing people
Being a leader is a game of paradoxes. You need to keep everyone engaged while dealing with situations that totally suck. Yet, few leaders receive training for the lose-lose situations they will inevitably encounter.
Here is a non-exhaustive list of shit storms that leave wounds:
announcing re-orgs that will piss off most of your people
firing someone you really like because their role is not needed anymore
dealing with nasty employee relations that destroy team morale
making decisions for the business good that will alienate some of your people
motivating your team to deliver on priorities they keep missing
And I haven’t even started mentioning things when the business is not doing well (well hello current economic situation).
I know, I've been there. As an employee receiving the news. As a leader sharing the news. And as an HR Business Partner assisting dozens of leaders who have had to make those calls. It totally sucks. Leadership truisms get a beating when what you say or do is directed by the legal team (nothing against lawyers, they were my besties when I was an HRBP).
Nothing like having to look someone in the eye and say the things you need to say - in a legally compliant manner - to destroy the fun. Sure you should absolutely say it with compassion and approach the situation with empathy, but you first need to get in there and do it. That's where a bit of tough-love comes in.
A tough-love approach to leadership development
We are advocating for a tough-love approach to leadership development. For the leadership nerds out there, it’s teaching a mix of ‘soft’ and ‘technical’ skills coupled with a reality check. For the rest of the world, it’s something like this:
LOVE has keywords like vulnerability, trust, belonging, DEI, psychological safety, coaching, active listening, self-awareness, etc. Think “Dare to Lead” by Brené Brown or “Co-active coaching : Changing Business, Transforming Lives” by [too many authors to list] - Content that helps leaders understand what drives them, and the impact they have on others. It digs deep into values, EQ, asks why, helps push the ego aside, and focuses on the human side of things.
This content is absolutely critical - it has helped us personally grow as human beings. However, if over-emphasised or not taught well, some folks walk away thinking their role is to keep everybody happy at all times. Keep the peace, don’t rock the boat. Sadly, the job of managers is not about people happiness. Not yet anyway.
TOUGH has the same keywords as LOVE because all this stuff is intertwined. You can’t make tough decisions without a solid grounding in values and principles. But tough prepares you for the scary stuff. It focuses on the systems necessary to run a business and what to do when things go wrong.
Think: “The Hard Thing About Hard Things” by Ben Horowitz, with fun topics like how to demote a friend, how to lay people off, and how to deal with smart people who are poor performers. Or the “High Output Management” by Andrew S. Grove which is a masterclass in productivity, prioritization, and problem solving. All critical technical skills required to get things done.
When creating leadership programs, we find the ideal ratio to be dependent on company culture (clearly some companies need a proper shot of LOVE), but we believe a good baseline is 70% Love, 30% Tough. It helps raise self-awareness about the impact managers have on others and prepares them for the scary stuff that inevitably will happen. In short: it helps them take care of people AND drive results.
What’s your ideal Tough-Love ratio?
